Please Advise! Should I Feel Guilty for Watching the Olympics?

[Editor’s note: Steve Burgess is an accredited spin doctor with a PhD in Centrifugal Rhetoric from the University of SASE, situated on the lovely campus of PO Box 7650, Cayman Islands. In this space he dispenses PR advice to politicians, the rich and famous, the troubled and well-heeled, the wealthy and gullible.]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am confused. Canada's Olympic women's soccer team was caught using spy drones at the Paris Olympics. But after being penalized six points by FIFA, the team has fought on bravely anyway.

Should I feel proud or ashamed? Should I pay attention to the Olympics anyway?

Signed,

Offside

Dear Offside,

If you want to ignore the Olympics, or worse, you'll have lots of company.

American conservatives are howling about the opening ceremony, which they claimed included a Last Supper-like tableau starring some drag queens. (It wasn't, though — it actually depicted the gods of Olympus.)

Regardless, U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson called the display an insult to Christians. This is the same Johnson who told a Christian crowd that God spoke to him and anointed him as the next Moses. So when it comes to blasphemy, he's certainly an expert.

Influencer Andrew Tate is also boycotting the Olympics, saying the opening ceremony was “orchestrated by a gay Jew.” Yes, Virginia, that's the same Andrew Tate who describes himself as a misogynist and is facing charges of rape and human trafficking. It seems right-wing outrage is like a tornado, randomly hitting drag queens but completely missing the sex criminals next door. And of course, Donald Trump's hair is not even mussed.

While U.S. Republicans grimly munch their freedom fries, Canadians have been emotionally whipsawed.

Céline Dion's triumphant return singing L'Hymne a l'Amour from the Eiffel Tower melted this entire nation into one blubbering puddle and tested our strategic reserves of Kleenex.

By that time though the drone scandal had already broken, with Canadian women's soccer coaches caught attempting aerial surveillance of a New Zealand practice. Not since Peter Jackson filmed the all-seeing eye of Sauron has New Zealand seen such evil spying. It was the biggest Canadian/Kiwi rift since a broken-hearted Shania Twain waved goodbye to her short-lived romance with New Zealand (and her longer romance with her husband).

Canada's head coach was suspended and the team docked six points. But they went on to claim a gutsy win over favoured host nation France and keep their Olympic dream alive.

Perhaps in a perverse way we should be grateful for this drone scandal. It underlines a point about the Olympics and sport in general — it's the grassroots that matter. The Canadian coaches let the players down, just as major sports organizations have often let their athletes down. The International Olympic Committee has long been dogged by allegations of corruption and profiteering — it's a wonder they haven't tried to rebrand the event as the Ozempics. FIFA, soccer’s global government body, is no better.

Sports organizations have frequently displayed the sort of ethics once found in the management ranks of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Meanwhile, athletes at the Olympics and major tournaments continue to inspire with their dedication and drive. Nobody goes to a hockey game to cheer the owners, and you don't have to love the International Olympic Committee to recognize that any event bringing countries of the world together in athletic competition can be worthwhile.

Dr. Steve would like to see changes, though. When will we see an Olympic spelling bee? How about Olympic hairdressing? RuPaul's Olympic Drag Race? Gold to whoever makes Mike Johnson's head explode.

As it is, there is always some Olympic sport that catches you, some event you had previously ignored. For Dr. Steve this year, it is women's rugby sevens. How do human bodies even do that? Running, running, tackling, crashing —why don't they shatter like fumbled Lego castles? Why don't their lungs pop like party balloons? These women are as tough as Céline Dion.

Dr. Steve for one will continue watching — possibly while eating supper in a comfortable ball gown and fetching blond wig. Eat it, Speaker Johnson.